THE WILD CHASE
“If many of the churches in the world are small, maybe we don’t have a size problem as much as we have a health problem.”
- Karl Vaters, “Small Church Essentials”
A few years back, Debbie and I decided to attend two conferences back-to-back. We were needing some spiritual refreshing at the time, and I was personally desperate to hear from God. To my surprise both conferences aligned with each other regarding pastoral health and ministry expectations. It was very clear God was trying to say something to me, and honestly, it was uncomfortable to hear the truth about the condition I was in.
Being an Enneagram 3 (Achiever) personality type, I tend to identify with the work I do and then work really hard toward reaching success. The struggle of an Enneagram 3 is the belief that one is appreciated for what one does, not who one is. When this goes unchecked, then strengths become weaknesses, and as inner feelings get avoided it will take something a bit assertive to stop the moving train. As a leader, I was needing to slow down to evaluate what I was being instead of what I was doing, or where I was going.
So, in the Spring of 2019, I knew it was time for me to address my wild chase of success. What was I chasing exactly? Church growth instead of church health. Simple as that. I found myself caught in a rat-race that seemed to entrap me in a toxic self-image, and God was now shinning His light on it so I could walk free.
Up until that point I had only pastored small churches, and felt both unsatisfied and responsible for that reality. Here I was pastoring a small congregation in one of the largest church buildings in the city, and constantly focusing on how empty it was. The size of the congregation did not match the demands of such a building, in more ways than one, and the self-imposed pressure to grow the church gave room for a wrong definition of success.
In my mind I started believing that growth equaled success, and small church meant failing as a leader. So, as an achiever, I was determined to strive for that success, while pushing aside any warning that it was not the way to go. The more I pushed forward, the more tired and frustrated I became. The more frustrated I became, the more defeated I felt. The cycle was endless and sadly I lost perspective of what it meant to pastor God’s people.
Marty Sawyers, President and CEO of Full Strength Network, said, “healthy pastors lead healthy churches, and healthy churches change the world.” So, before I could even understand what a healthy church should look like, I needed to evaluate my own health. And because of God’s commitment to walk with me through the path of transformation, I was ready and willing to engage in the process.
As I look back, three years later, I can assure you that moving toward health as a pastor is not an easy process, nor does it happen overnight. For two years all I wanted to do was give up on ministry and find something else to do, because being dismantled and rebuilt by God is no easy thing. I needed something that helped me return to being instead of engaging in the wild chase. Honestly, I am so grateful that God surrounded me with gracious and honest people who remain true friends in my life today. There’s simply no way I could’ve done this alone. Throughout the process I needed simplicity and a slower pace, and here are three things that helped me begin my road to health:
First: Become God-Aware
“Christianity at any given time is strong or weak depending upon her concept of God.”
A.W. Tozer
Getting back to the place of experiencing intimacy with God took time, but I had to be intentional in my pursuit of Him. To re-establish a regular prayer life, Bible reading, and journaling I took the simple approach: just one day at a time, 30-45 minutes each morning. Be present! I had to be deliberate about not going into Scriptures for the sake of sermon preparation, or use it as something that I had to share with others. This was a time to hear directly from God, for me, not others. Knowing those times could be kept just between me and God became something I was not willing to let go of.
Second: Become Self-Aware
“Grant, Lord, that I may know myself that I may know thee.”
Augustine
This part was challenging as it required a lot of soul searching. However, I could not do it alone. In the book, “Thanks for the Feedback” (Douglas Stone & Sheila Heen), the authors talk about us needing both honesty as well as affirmation from those around us. That feedback needs to be received if any real transformation is to occur. For months I welcomed my counsellor and other people I trusted to be these voices. These were people who didn’t come with ulterior motives. Only a desire to speak truth in love (Ephesians 4:15). They knew I had built my identity around ministry and was in a state of crisis. These were godly people that recognized I needed a sensitive, gentle but truthful approach. Thank God for Holy Spirit-lead people like that.
Third: Become Others-Aware
“By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.”
Jesus (John 13:35)
Part of resetting the focus onto church health, instead of church growth, is that I finally got to see the people that had been there all along. The very people Jesus loves and calls me to serve. When the goal became church health, I began asking, “where is the love?” That’s the real metric. So, I slowly began re-engaging in relationship with people. Hearing their story, and learning to really pay attention. Many one-on-one meetings. During some of them, I was repenting. In others, I was simply listening.
It sounds simple, but these steps had to be on repeat. I know that where I was before was empty, lifeless, and lacking true blessing, and I never want to go back to that. However, I know that if for many years I bought into those lies, I must always be aware that they can easily creep back in.
Does God want His church to grow? Sure. But as for me, I’m simply going to focus on being God-aware, Self-aware, and Others-aware as I journey forward as a pastor. As for growth, I choose to leave that part in God’s hands.